love to anyone who needs it

I will be the first to admit that I am far from perfect, and this post is not one aimed at pointing out the flaws and wrong doings of others while forgetting my sinful nature. I am writing this from a place of confusion, betrayal, and ultimately, learning. I was recently hurt very deeply by a person I called one of my closest friends, a person I shared my heart with, a person I would jump at the chance to help in any way possible. After investing a year of encouragement, support, and dreams into this friend, I was, all at once, cut out of their life in any and every way possible, with no explanation and no goodbye. I felt angry, confused, and taken advantage of. Even beyond my hurt feelings, I felt sad that I had lost a friend I held close to my heart. 

The point of this post is not to talk about what was done to me, and it is not to cut that person down. As I go through each day and dwell on this situation more, I have begun to realize that, although I may not fully understand the situation myself, I can take this as an opportunity to grow and learn how not to treat others. From watching how this person publicly presents themselves, how they treat each person in their life (and people they do not even really know), and from being treated as less than worthy, I have learned a few important things:

First: Using "the God card" as a reason for acting in a way that does not reflect His nature is dangerous, something I will strive to never do. Being on the receiving end of this excuse, in effect, being told that someone was called to treat you like dirt, by our mighty, loving God, seems ridiculous and unwarranted. All my life, I do not want to put another human being in that situation.

Second: God does not call us to live without love and outside of grace. He does not instruct us to treat others as if they are beneath our call to love. If your anthem is love (just as Jesus' was-- what I aim to live in reflection of), then love without discrimination and without fear and without exclusion. God's perfect offering to us is 'love to anyone who needs it' (and lets face it, we ALL need it). If your life is to truly be an accurate reflection of His beautiful display, then let that offer ring true to ANYONE, regardless of whether you have met them or whether they live in a different country or whether you decide that you like the way they act or think theyre funny or have cool shoes. 'Love to anyone who needs it' should mean exactly that, and there is not a person in this world that does not need it.

Third: I understand that things change, people grow, and relationships may suffer, or even end, as a result. But it is not in God's will for one of his Sons or Daughters to treat another human without grace, without tact, and with hate in their heart. If you feel that someone is negatively affecting your life or holding you back from achieving all that you are supposed to in God's kingdom, remember that God does not teach us to act with anything but love. That does not mean that you should not act, only that you should act with kindness in your heart, even in saying goodbye.

Finally, keeping these lessons in mind, at the end of the day, through the hurt feelings and confusion and anger, I could not call myself a follower of Christ if I did not continue to act with love towards this person, and towards every other person I come into contact with in my life. I will take this experience as an opportunity to grow and an example of what I do not want to be. 

I will try each day to carry myself with grace and to move with love.

so be it

life has been moving and i have been growing and all the while i have lived each day a little more 'myself' than the one before it. i am not that much older, nor that much wiser, but i have breathed more air and seen more sunsets and said more 'i love you's and goodbyes. i am slowly realizing that its okay to offend someone or confuse someone or disagree with someone in the process of being your true, authentic self. to believe in something, by definition, means there will be opposition from those around you. but who are they to tell you what to stand or fight or live for? in every word spoken and every move made, people will watch and take note of the things they support and more importantly, of the things they despise. do not let that bother you. 

at the end of the day, i firmly believe that your life should not make sense to anyone but yourself.

vagabond

i am a lover and i am a vagabond-- the people and places and souls that i live to pour into are at a million different longitudes and latitudes. home is in his eyes and home is in her laughter and home is in the stoplight on the way into that town. how beautiful is it to find such peace, such joy, such security in so many places, people, things. how terrible it is to be in a constant state of longing for the pieces of home that are on a different page of the atlas. 

i am pining for roots, envious of the girl who, like the oak in her front yard that grows as she does, has her whole world at the tips of her fingers, anchored on years of life and love condensed into one dot on the map. how fulfilling must it be to know that everyone and everything your heart beats for is within reach. 

it brings me great joy to love richly, to know deeply, and to invest in the lives of those who are important to me. it brings me great peace to make lists and check off items, to give my best each day, and to spend time in the places that i know best. but i have not figured out how to successfully do these things without sacrificing another in the process. we each get the same 24 hours, and i feel as though im missing something, the secret of how to make them enough. i am a yes-girl when the question is love, but too often, i feel as if ive failed. i strive to give the best of myself in everything i do - to everyone i treasure - but even then, i am not perfect. 

i am a lover and i am still learning.

but maybe that's what life is all about.

the sun is on vacation in

the sun is on vacation in
oxford she asked the
clouds to
collect her daily
newspapers from her
sidewalk and water
her garden so her
flowers can
g
r
o
w

magic:

magic, theyll tell you, is just for kids, and even then, only for those naive enough to believe in it. in order to succeed in the world, they'll tell you, you must be sensible and logical and greet each day with a heavy dose of cynicism and doubt. they'll use things such as time or age or comparison to others to diminish your sense of wonder and extinguish any flame of adventure in your heart.

but theyre all wrong.

life is the longest game of hide and seek with magic, in countless forms, hiding away in the crevices of each day. the best part about this never-ending game is that magic is a terrible hider, like the blonde haired girl named after the river who climbs in the kitchen cabinet as her brother counts to twenty, not even trying to hold back her laughter, directing him straight to her secret place. we do not need to search out magic as we go through our days; instead, magic is revealed to us in the simplest of ways.

 magic: running into a dark-eyed stranger with calloused hands on the corner by your favorite coffeeshop, taking in the warmth of their smile as they apologize, and carrying on with your day with a new sense of compassion for any unfamiliar passing face. 

magic: the big moon illusion-- driving on the freeway at 6:42 pm, watching the moon (as big as a mountain) as it follows you home to safety.

magic: meeting someone for the first time and beginning a conversation about their favorite book or poem or writer and realizing that the inked in words that impacted you so deeply are important to an unimaginable amount of people youve never met.

magic: walking to the mailbox as you wish for more time, more hours, more days, to accomplish everything you need to-- receiving a letter from a friend in your hometown telling you that the sun rises and sets exactly when she's supposed to

magic: buying old black and white pictures from antique stores and imagining the lives of the men and women in the pictures-- their names, their favorite words, what was happening when the picture was taken, if they've ever been in love.

magic: when someone calls you their best friend-- people who share their lives with you, learn with you, grow with you.

magic: driving with the windows down on your favorite road in august and watching the first leaf fall onto your windshield, realizing that change is necessary and good and beautiful.

magic: to love and be loved, knowing that every person who has lived on this earth, the ones you know, the ones youre related to, and the ones you will never even hear of, has felt the same way you do.

they will tell you that magic is a thing reserved for youth. but youll tell them that theres no such thing as being too old, too mature, too grown up, for magic.

(100) things that make me happy

1- iced caramel macchiatos 2- country music on the turnpike 3- knowing when to be still and watch the earth move around you 4- getting enough sleep 5- having a favorite cup at your best friend's house 6- surprising people you care about 7- chinese food on a rainy day 8- a clean room and a made bed 9- making to do lists and crossing off every item 10- the excitement of the first few days of a new season  11- yale, oklahoma 12- being able to take your own advice 13- chasing the moon 14- people watching at the airport on a friday evening 15- using a new pen 16- getting a package in the mail 17- weekends with austin 18- when someone tells me to go look at the moon 19- elvis presey 20- pockets 21- watching movies during the day 22- used book stores 23- when people tell me i look like wendy from peter pan 24- forgiveness 25- every square inch of oklahoma 26- thursday days that arent actually a thursday 27- catching both 7:17s in a day 28- the riverside bridge 29- football season 30- sushi dates 31- couch tower at OU 32- finishing a journal 33- remembering my dreams 34- the indescribable feeling that comes after writing 35- the south 36- monograms 37- boys in cowboy boots (my boy in cowboy boots) 38- the fact that no matter how many times i walk in the door, my puppy will always act like its the first time she's seen me in years 39- girl scout cookies 40- waking up with the sun 41- may 42- listening to people talk about their joys instead of complaining 43- walking into a place and being asked if i want "the usual" 44- reading the trivia cards at victorias pasta shop with austin and stealing our favorite one at the end of the meal 45- the perfect song for an afternoon drive 46- pulling into norman after spending a weekend in tulsa or stillwater 47- pei wei dates with lexie and cassidy 48- antique stores on a sunny day 49- spending the day with austin in tulsa 50- walking into the couch RSA room and everyone being happy to see you 51- unavoidable sunshine bringing unending joy 52- atlas hands by benjamin francis leftwich 53- christmas lights in a dark room with the window open on a cloudy day 54- having the be-in-my-wedding-one-day kind of sisterhood 55- bread bowl tuesday 56- a determination to never forget how to be eighteen 57- opportunities to grow and learn with people you care about 58- glitter 59- holding hands with my sister 60- wearing other people's clothes 61- creme brulee 62- when people tell me im just like my mother 63- ee cummings 64- burts bees chapstick 65- how the eyes of a portrait will always follow you 66- stealing traffic cones 67- saved by the bell reruns 68-brushing my teeth 69- the big moon illusion (a magic i will always believe in) 70- small world moments 71- visiting my friends at work 72- other people's handwriting 73- pets with human names 74- writing and underlining in books 75- waking up on weekdays early enough to text my sister before she goes to school 76- when people act like their birth month 77- midnight yell during dead week and finals week with my friends outside Wagner hall 78- when my puppy sounds like a kitten 79- visiting Ryan and Erik while they broadcast ERB in the Union 80- thanksgiving (the holiday and the state of being) 81- the word "still" 82- when courtney tweets about me being her best friend 83- climbing through lexie's window 84- day moons 85- colors that can only be found in someone's eyes 86- how everyone's house has its own smell 87- when my dad texts me using ":-)" 88- peanut butter pie in my kitchen with my family and grandparents 89- catherine's hugs 90- sunflowers 91- meeting new people and making new friends 92- driving down riverside to Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin 93- my lucky day of every month (the 17th) 94- getting the right answer to a math problem 95- forgetting to bring my journal on a busy day and texting people my observations and thoughts and entries instead 96- mason jars 97- the old russian lady that works for OU housing and always tells me to have a good day 98- sitting in my kitchen having talks with my parents and austin after dinner 99- sunday night family dinners with the couch clique 100- being alive

surrender-ology

i'd run in the rain and ruin my shoes to get caught in the downpour with you-- i'd forget my umbrella and let down my hair and stand too close to the street so the cars would race by, covering me in the murky waters from the puddles on the corner if only you'd stand with me on the sidewalk-- i'd plant my feet and fix my eyes on the cloud-ocean sky in search of the sun's hiding place, look over to see the child-like reverence in your gaze and count the raindrops in your eyelashes--i'd stop, breathe, and watch the boy and the girl behind the white fence dance as they are showered with second chances and tomorrows coming from the clouds-- to dance in the rain is revelry, to be still in the rain is reverie.